So, Gwen, Rowan, Saoirse and I have been home now for a week. In that time we have only spent two nights where Gwen and I were alone with the kids. Friday and Monday night. So we have had help. I have also been off of work for the last week. Despite those facts, I feel exhausted. And a grinding nausea fills my stomach. The kind sprung from fear. Can we really do this? It feels so hard and I keep thinking about what is going to happen in two weeks or so when the kids are still just as needy and still not sleeping very much and I am back at work. After our help has gone back to their normal lives, how can we possibly do this? It seems almost hopeless. The only thing that keeps me from completely panicking is that I know people who have done this. Somehow they survived, so we will too, right?
Last night, I found myself freaking out. Gwen has been doing a greater share of the late night duties, and I could see it getting to her, so I decided I would take the kids the whole night with some help from my dad. He was pretty tired though and crashed out by midnight. I didn't get to bed at all until about 2:30 am. At one point, I got so mad at Rowan for waking up her sister, I felt an urge to hurl her against the wall. Of course, all I did was pick her up and take her out of the room to try to soothe her, but still, the impulse disturbed me. I believe that other parents have had the same desire at one point or another, but if that thought occured to me now, how bad is it going to get?
They tag team us. One sleeps while the other one keeps us awake, so that they rest while we suffer. I know it is not intentional, but you get weird ideas in your head when you are starved for sleep.
Anyway, I don't want people out there thinking I am going to hurt my kids. Also, I am doing ok, really. I just needed to vent. I will tell you that any planning we had is completely shot to hell. I didn't think the kids sleeping in the bed was such a great idea, but now, anything that gets them to sleep for more than a few minutes is cool with me. I will worry about their being spoiled a few months from now. And, as time goes on, we do notice patterns that make it easier to handle them and find ways for us to get what we need to do done. It just is all on their terms, at least for now.